I’M CRYING BECAUSE IN CHURCH ONE OF THE LINES OF A HYMN WAS “VERY GOD” AND THIS GIRL BEHIND ME WHISPERED “SUCH CHRISTIANITY” I CAN’T STOP LAUGHING
when pictures of your high school friends hanging out without you, still piss you off, even though you haven’t talked to them in 2 years. the pictures still come up and you still wonder why you weren’t invited. videos of that company you’ve always wanted to be a part of come up, and only the ones in the company share the videos. you don’t share them because you’re not in the company. the videos come up and you still wonder why you’re making moves for yourself. a car ride with your dad comes up in your life and you dread it all year. you watch him kiss his younger daughter on the forehead and wonder if your 8 years worth of forehead kisses got lost somewhere along the way with your high school invitation. or maybe with someones desire for you to dance for them, to teach you things, to tell you what you’re doing wrong. anyone’s desire to make you better at what you do, rather than to surpass you at what you do. Don’t surpass me because I don’t want to surpass you. I want to be better, I am lost, I want an invitation, I want an explanation. No one speaks words of action and puts action to those words anymore. it bothers me.
Don’t speak action words if you don’t plan on acting.
I love being horribly straightforward. I love sending reckless text messages (because how reckless can a form of digitized communication be?) and telling people I love them and telling people they are absolutely magical humans and I cannot believe they really exist. I love saying, “Kiss me harder,” and “You’re a good person,” and, “You brighten my day.” I live my life as straight-forward as possible.
Because one day, I might get hit by a bus.
Maybe it’s weird. Maybe it’s scary. Maybe it seems downright impossible to just be—to just let people know you want them, need them, feel like, in this very moment, you will die if you do not see them, hold them, touch them in some way whether its your feet on their thighs on the couch or your tongue in their mouth or your heart in their hands.
But there is nothing more beautiful than being desperate.
And there is nothing more risky than pretending not to care.
We are young and we are human and we are beautiful and we are not as in control as we think we are. We never know who needs us back. We never know the magic that can arise between ourselves and other humans.
We never know when the bus is coming."